2017 Inauguration: the Ultimate Reality Show?


LET’S GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH
SOME TRUMP NEWS. OBVIOUSLY. I KNOW, INDEED. THERE ARE REPORTS THAT DONALD
TRUMP HAS BEEN MEETING WITH MARK BURNETT, THE CREATOR OF “THE
APPRENTICE,” TO PLAN NEXT MONTH’S INAUGURATION CEREMONY. IF OMAROSA SWEARS THIS GUY IN,
I’M DEFINITELY MOVING BACK TO ENGLAND. IS THE WHOLE THING GOING TO BE
REALITY SHOW THEMED? INSTEAD OF TRUMP PUTTING HIS
HAND ON THE BIBLE, THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT IS
JUST GOING TO HAND HIM A ROSE. NO. NO, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND, RIGHT? I UNDERSTAND TO GET TO THE WHITE
HOUSE HE WON AN “AMAZING RACE.” OUT OF THE DOZENS OF CANDIDATES,
TRUMP WAS THE “SURVIVOR.” EVEN THOUGH ACCORDING TO THE
POPULAR VOTE, HE WAS “THE BIGGEST LOSER.” BUT THIS IS “THE REAL WORLD.” [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT THIS IS “THE REAL WORLD.” TRUMP MAY BE A POPULIST, BUT WE
DON’T NEED THIS TYPE OF “AMERICAN IDOL” WORSHIP. AMERICA IS FACING REAL PROBLEMS,
AND WE NEED TO GIVE ALL THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION A VOICE. NO, “THE VOICE.” NOT JUST TO YOUR DAUGHTER
IVANKA, OR DONALD JR., HER “BIG BROTHER.” AND THAT’S WHY, DONALD TRUMP, I
HAVE THREE WORDS FOR YOU: “RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE.” IN OTHER NEWS, A RESTAURANT JUST
OPENED IN THE KURDISTAN REGION OF IRAQ. IT’S CALLED TRUMP FISH, AND IT’S
A FISH RESTAURANT WITH AN UNAUTHORIZED DONALD TRUMP LOGO. TAKE A LOOK:
THAT’S IT THERE. THEY STOLE TRUMP’S FACE AND
NAME. SHOULD BE FINE. DONALD TRUMP NEVER SUES ANYONE. IF YOU WANTED TO OPEN A TRUMP
THEMED SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, WHY CALL IT TRUMP FISH? JUST CALL IT “ORANGE LOBSTER.” BLESS YOU. IF YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT GOING
THERE, YOU SHOULD REMEMBER TRUMP FISH, THERE ARE NO UTENSILS. YOU GRAB WHATEVER YOU WANT. TURNING TOTS WORLD OF FASHION,
THE INTERNET COMMUNITY WAS ALL ABUZZ ABOUT A NEW iTUNES. THE RETAIL CHAIN FOREVER 21 IS
SELLING. IT’S A CHOKER, LIKE WOMEN WEAR
AROUND THEIR NECK. BUT IT’S A LITTLE WEIRD. TAKE A LOOK:
THAT’S IT THERE. THIS SEEMS LIKE A GREAT WAY TO
MEET MEN. “HI, I’M A PERSONAL INJURY
LAWYER AND I’D LIKE TO REPRESENT YOU.” THIS ITEM IS SOLD BY FOREVER 21. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT BELONGS AT
A STORE CALLED “TEMPORARILY IN A WHEELCHAIR.” CAN WE JUST SHOW THAT AGAIN? THE SLOGAN FOR THIS SHOULD BE,
“YOU’LL BE SURE TO TURN HEADS — WELL, NOT YOURS.” FINALLY, I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
MY SINGLE VIEWERS KNOW ABOUT THIS. THERE’S A NEW DATING APP CALLED
AIRDATES WHICH FUNCTIONS LIKE A TINDER IN THE SKY, ALLOWING YOU
TO HOOK-UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON YOUR FLIGHT. IT’S A FUN WAY TO JOIN THE
MILE-HIGH CLUB. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE ROCK
BOTTOM CLUB, WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX ON A GREYHOUND BUS. ALTHOUGH, THIS DOESN’T SOUND
THAT CLASSY EITHER. LADIES, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO
ON A DATE WHERE THE GUY IS GOING TO SAY, “ORDER WHATEVER YOU
WANT.” THE PRINGLES, THE PRETZELS. GO NUTS. NO SERIOUSLY, THE NUTS ARE
FREE.” BUT I HAVE TO SAY THIS SOUNDS A
LITTLE RISKY MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME. I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO GO ON A
DATE WHERE THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN LEAVE IS IF YOU HAVE A
PARACHUTE? “LISTEN, YOU’RE GREAT. BUT I JUST THINK WE’RE BETTER AS
FRIENDS. I DO. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!”

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