Ada Calhoun Reveals Secrets Of Lasting Marriage: ‘Underreacting To Problems’ | TODAY

Ada Calhoun Reveals Secrets Of Lasting Marriage: ‘Underreacting To Problems’ | TODAY


SISTER AND NOT SOME STRANGER WHO
WALKED UP. THAT’S COOL, SHEINELLE.
NICE JOB. >>THANKS.
>>>MORE ON OUR SPECIAL SERIES ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE.
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD TODAY. >>THIS MORNING, JENNA IS
TACKLING THE AGE-OLD QUESTION, WHO MAKES A HAPPY MARRIAGE?
>>THIS IS A BIG QUESTION. ACCORDING TO AN NBC NEWS/SURVEY
MONKEY POLL, SEVEN IN TEN AMERICANS THINK GOOD
COMMUNICATION THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR.
IT’S A PLUS, BUT THERE’S A LOT MORE THAT GOES INTO CREATING A
SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. >>I GIVE YOU THIS RING.
>>WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, THERE’S SO MUCH ROMANCE AROUND IT.
YOU’RE IN LOVE. IT’S EXCITING.
YOU’RE BUILDING THIS HOUSE AND THIS LIFE TOGETHER.
AND WHEN YOU GET TO THE MIDWAY POINT, THE BURDENS HIT YOU
HARDER. >>Reporter: IN HER NEW BOOK,
“WEDDING TOASTS I’LL NEVER GIVE,” HER ESSAYS DESCRIBE
MARRIAGE AS A BURDEN AND A GIFT.>>IN THE COURSE OF BEING
TOGETHER FOREVER, YOU HAVE MANY DOUBTS STOKING.
I LOVE THIS PERSON AND WHEN HE’S SICK, HE’S NOT NURTURING.
IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF MY OWN MARRIAGE, I FELT THE NAGGING
EXCEPTIONS. WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.
AND WE MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH AND I STILL LOVE HIM.
>>Reporter: THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 14 YEARS AND HAVE
ONE SON, OLIVER. >>IT’S NOT LIKE ONCE YOU GET
MARRIED OR ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS, YAY, WE DID IT.
HIGH-FIVE. WE WON OR SOMETHING.
IT’S NOT THE END OF THE GAME. IT’S SORT OF LIKE, OH, NO, WAIT.
THERE’S CONSTANTLY TWISTS AND TURNS.
>>AND PEOPLE JUST SPRING CHANGES ON YOU.
THEY GAIN OR LOSE 100 POUNDS. THEY GET A TOTALLY NEW CAREER.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A KID THAT HAS A DISABILITY.
YOU MAKE THE BEST PLANS YOU CAN AND THEN, LIFE HAPPENS TO YOU.
PART OF MAKING IT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF MARRIAGE IS JUST
HOLDING ON. AND UNDERREACTING TO PROBLEMS.
>>Reporter: DANI SHAPIRO WRITES OPENLY ABOUT THE UPS AND DOUBS
OF HER MARRIAGE TO MICHAEL IN “HOURGLASS.”
>>HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED SINCE YOU WALKED DOWN THE AISLE? >>I THINK LIFE HAS A WAY WITH
US IN SO MANY WAYS. OUR BABY WAS SICK WHEN HE WAS AN
INFANT. >>Reporter: YOU WRITE ABOUT
GOING THROUGH THE HEALTH CARE WITH YOUR 6-MONTH-OLD BABY.
HE’S NOW HEALTHY AND 18. BUT THAT COULD HAVE CRUSHED A
MARRIAGE. >>YES.
>>Reporter: WHY DO YOU THINK YOU ALL SURVIVED IT?
>>IT’S CEMENTED OUR BOND BECAUSE WE NEVER DID DISAGREE
WITH EACH OTHER OR IN ANY WAY BLAME ONE ANOTHER.
>>I THINK WE REALLY BECAME A REALLY SOLID TEAM AT THAT
MOMENT. WHAT SAVED HIM ORIGINALLY WAS
DANI’S INSTINCT AS A MOTHER THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG.
I JUST COMPLETELY TRUSTED HER INSTINCTS ABOUT EVERYTHING AND
ABOUT EVERYTHING WE DID. >>Reporter: SO, 20 YEARS IN,
HOW DO YOU SEE THE MIDDLE OF A MARRIAGE?
>>HOPEFULLY IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE MARRIAGE.
WE’VE HAD SOME HARD TIMES. SOME OF THEM FINANCIAL, SOME OF
THEM MEDICAL. >>Reporter: SOCIAL MEDIA MAY
PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE. BUT DANI SAYS IT DOESN’T SHOW
REALITY AND THE DAY-TO-DAY STRUGGLES FACING UP COUPLES.
>>WHAT DOESN’T GO ON INSTAGRAM? BANK STATEMENTS, PAST DUE
NOTICES, TUITION BILLS. E-MAILS BEARING DISAPPOINTING
NEWS. THE WAY WE PUT OUR ARMS AROUND
EACH OTHER EARLY IN THE MORNING, BLEARILY-EYED, COFFEE BREWING,
AND BURY OUR HEADS INTO EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS.
IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY, RIGHT? I DON’T KNOW IF YOU WOULD AGREE
WITH ME. BUT I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE SOMEWHAT
CHANGED, EACH OF US, WHICH IS PART OF WHAT THE MIDDLE IS.
WE’VE CHANGED AS WE’VE GROWN TOWARD EACH OTHER.
IT’S NOT — YOU’RE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED.
WELL, NO, YOU’RE NOT. IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO BE.
AND SO, THAT SENSE OF HONORING WHO YOU ARE TOGETHER OVER THE
PASSAGE OF TIME, LIKE A FRAGILE CHAIN OF PAPER DOLLS, IN A LONG
MARRIAGE, ALL OF THE SELVES YOU HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, I THINK
CONTINUE TO BE ALIVE INSIDE OF YOU.
BUT YOU CONTINUE TO TRANSFORM AND CHANGE.
SO, HONORING THAT. >>I LOVE THAT.
>>REALLY NICE. >>I THINK IT’S ALL ABOUT
FINDING THESE HARDSHIPS AND TACKLING THEM TOGETHER.
THEY ALL SAID THAT KINDNESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR.
>>YEAH. I LIKE WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT
YOU’RE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED. BUT YOU SHOULDN’T BE.
YOU’VE GROWN OVER THE YEARS. >>THAT’S A HARD THING TO
TACKLE. SOMETIMES YOU DON’T LOOK AT ME
IN THE SAME WAYS. WELL, YOU HAD TWO BABIES AND YOU
DON’T LOOK THE SAME. >>ISN’T THAT SOMETHING TO
FIGURE OUT BEFORE YOU MARRY SOMEONE?
IF YOU GO THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES, IS THAT PERSON GOING TO
GROW CLOSER TO YOU OR DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM YOU?
>>I THINK IT IS. IT’S IMPORTANT TO START OFF
MARRIAGE THAT WAY. >>MY GRANDPARENTS CELEBRATED 67
YEARS TWO DAYS AGO. AND IT’S FUN TO WATCH THEM IN
THEIR EBBS AND FLOWS. THEY’RE THE BEST OF BUDDIES.
SOMETIMES ON EACH OTHER’S WORST NERVE.
AND THE NEXT MOMENT — >>HOW MANY YEAR FOR YOU?
>>TEN YEARS. >>FIVE YEARS.
>>TEN YEARS. >>COMING UP ON 20.
>>WE HAVE TO THROW YOU A PARTY.>>YES, YOU

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