Ellen’s Very Special Episode of ‘The Bachelor’

Ellen’s Very Special Episode of ‘The Bachelor’


[MUSIC PLAYING] A very special episode of “The
Bachelor” starts right now. This season, the drama– This Mama means business. –the heartbreak, the tears, and
the most surprising contestant yet. Hi, ladies! Listen, I didn’t come
here to make friends, and I didn’t come to make toast. I came for two things. To get a man– that’s one– and
to drink tequila, and I’m out of tequila. The most dramatic and
the most drunk episode of “The Bachelor.” Ah, just a little bit more! Now where’s my man? “The Bachelor” starts right now. [MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you. Happy Halloween, everybody! Have a seat. You all look wonderful. Ellen’s Halloween show is being
preempted for a special episode of “The Bachelor.” Any Bachelor fans here? [CHEERING] If you don’t know
the show, it’s what would happen if the
Hunger Games was sponsored by Don Julio Tequila. It’s Halloween. It’s still going
to be a scary show. That’s what Ellen would want. So when I meet the
new Bachelor, I’m going to scare the
pants off of him. What, what! Here’s the really scary thing. Since this is “The
Bachelor,” this show is going to be six hours long. So you know– oh– [CHEERING] You know, I forgot
to introduce myself. I’m so sorry. I apologize deeply. My name is Kelllly with
four l’s, because there are six other Kellys on this show. So this season, you
can call me Kelllly D! But that’s not my initial. That’s the breast size. Do you like the outfit, though? Do you like it? [CHEERING] Thank you. Thank you. My dress is from Versace, and
my boobs are made from Mattel. I am a dental assistant
from New Jersey. And people ask me,
what’s the difference between a dental hygienist
and a dental assistant? And it’s simple. A dental hygienist wears a
white coat and cleans the teeth, and a dental assistant
puts out on the first date. What, what! I came here to win. This show is my one shot to
find love, unless I lose. And then I can try again on “The
Bachelorette,” “The Bachelor Pad,” “Bachelor in
Paradise,” Bachelor in Paradise after Paradise. But that’s enough about me. I want to meet my
future husband. Bring out The Bachelor. [MUSIC PLAYING] What, what? Wow! Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Oh– Hi. Hi. Hi. It’s really nice to meet you. Oh, well, it’s nice
to meet you too. You look like that guy from
that show, on the sad, sad show. It makes me cry. “Dateline?” What’s your name? What is– oh, my
name is Kelllly D, but you can call me
anytime you want. [BOOPING] Hi, Kelllly. How are you? Oh, I’m good. I’m a dental assistant. And would you like me to examine
your mouth with my tongue? Oh! He almost let me. I hope you don’t mind if
I inspect the merchandise. Let me just feel
the shoulders here. And then, of course, the– Ow! Ow! Oh, good! Ow! Strong and sensitive, I like it. I like it. Oh, I brought you something. Oh, OK. I forgot. Because I want you
to remember me. So let me just get it. I left it in the car. Let’s see if I can open this. OK. It’s a slow cooker. And it’s used! I got it on Craigslist. Thank you. Yeah. By the way, by the
way, today’s show is brought to you
by the word, “legs.” Maybe we can go up
to the fantasy suite and spread the word. We have a lot in common,
I can tell already. I want to show you
something I saw on the news. There’s someone in Iowa who
painted an Ellen pumpkin. She painted me as Dracula. And then– I know, really cool. Kelllly! And– Kelllly? Where’s my man? You spent enough time
with him already. Oh, no. It’s another bachelorette. Oh, no. What is it, Kiersten? Is that your name? It’s Kieeeeerssten. It’s got five e’s and two s’es. Oh. Where’s my future hubby? I already got to
fourth base with him. Well, he’s never going to– Fourth base. –pick you, but he’s in the
fantasy suite over there. Hey, baby! (SINGING) I’m on my waaaaaay! Ooh– a hot tub! Got it. Got it. I got it. Get that back. OK, Kiersten. How’s that water? Is it nice and warm? It’s nice. OK, (LAUGHING) OK. All right, you
have fun, Kiersten. OK, it’s Kiiierrstennnn. It’s got three i’s,
two r’s, four n’s. OK, so it’s changed. OK. Well, all right, I
thought of something to help increase my odds. I want to get
picked by a Bachelor but I thought, if I
have two bachelors here I increase the odds. So Nick, where are you? Hi, Nick! [CHEERING] I’m just– I’m just
here to meet Kiersten. Yeah, I don’t– Is there room for two? Come on in, Nick. How do I– You got to hop in. There you go, nice! All right. [MUSIC PLAYING] [CRYING] I didn’t get the man or
the rose, and that’s OK. I didn’t– I told
myself not to cry. [WEEPING] It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it, but– [SIGH] I’m not going to cry, because– about some– I don’t
even care about him. I don’t– I didn’t like him. I like artichokes, OK? [SNIFFLING] That’s why I’m
scared of parakeets. I don’t– I don’t– when I was a little
girl, I wanted a pony. I just wanted a pony. I didn’t care about
anything but a pony. I didn’t get any of the pizza. All the girls got there first. I said, I want some pizza,
and no one saved me any. None of the girls liked me. It’s them, not me. Oh, like I’m the crazy one? Ah-ahh-ah. They’re the crazy ones. (SCREAMING) They’re
the crazy ones! I just wanted to meet a man. I just– that’s all I wanted,
is a man to feel complete. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get the rose. I don’t know what’s
wrong with me. Every time I try to meet
a man, they don’t want me. [SOBBING] I am so happy I picked
you, whatever your name is. I just– I am so
in love with you. I’m, like, super in
love with you, too. And I just– I can’t wait to spend the
rest of my life with you. Well, that is until we break
off the engagement, yeah? Brace yourself. I come from the land down under. [SIGH] [SNORING]

100 Replies to “Ellen’s Very Special Episode of ‘The Bachelor’”

  1. I need that car πŸš— pleas give it so I don't have to buy a new one for my job lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ (I wish)

  2. that show bachelor is garbage. Ellen is funny and talented but promotes some people that are not examples in any single way like she is

  3. I literally giggle every time I see Milo Ventimiglia he’s sooooo hot, I don’t care if he’s like 40 something and married πŸ˜‚

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