Meanwhile… WalMart Apologizes For “Cocaine Santa” Sweater


FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT
OF TIME OVER THERE STANDING ON STAGE, AWAY FROM MY
CHAIR TURNING THE NEWS INTO A GREAT
CHRISTMAS FEAST FULL OF WHO PUDDING, AND RARE
“WHO” ROASTBEAST WHERE WE EXCHANGE PRESENTS AND
LIGHT THE YULE LOG FOR THE GREAT WHOVILLE CHRISTMAS
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I PULL A GREAT
GRINCHY TRICK AND DRESS UP IN RED TO LOOK LIKE
SAINT NICK. I TAKE MY DOG BENNY, AND THEN
SOME BLACK THREAD AND TIE A BIG HORN TO THE TOP OF
HIS HEAD. AND I PILFER EACH PRESENT FOR
MANY A MILE TO STEAL THE CHRISTMAS OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT…>>”MEANWHILE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. IT RHYMED. IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE,
MEANWHILE– MEANWHILE, THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN’T DO WITH
“MEANWHILE.” MEANWHILE, IN DEEP-FRIED HOLIDAY
NEWS, “WALMART IS SELLING K.F.C. FRIED CHICKEN-SCENTED FIRELOGS
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.” PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
NOSTALGIC FOR THE SMELL OF CHRISTMAS AT DAD’S NEW
APARTMENT.( LAUGHTER )
( AS DAD )
“THIS IS JUST AS FUN, RIGHT
KIDS? LOOK! LOOK, MY BED’S IN THE WALL!”
BUT DON’T LET THE SMELL FOOL YOU. THE K.F.C. LOG IS “MADE FROM
100% RECYCLED WAX CARDBOARD.” SO, THE SAME RECIPE AS THEIR
POTATOES.>>Jon: OOOOH!>>Stephen: MEANWHILE, “WALMART
HAS APOLOGIZED FOR SELLING A SWEATER FEATURING SANTA WITH
COCAINE,” FEATURING SAINT NICK BEHIND A TABLE DOING RAILS, WITH
THE PHRASE– DOING RAILS WITH THE PHRASE “LET IT SNOW.” LISTEN, I KNOW IT’S SHOCKING,
BUT EVENTUALLY, ALL KIDS LEARN THE TRUTH. THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, BUT THE
ONLY WAY HE CAN MOVE FAST ENOUGH TO COVER THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE
NIGHT IS WITH THE HELP OF A LITTLE CANDY CANE, YOU KNOW,
SOME NORTH POLE MARCHING POWERED. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKI TALKING
A LITTLE– A LITTLE HIGH-SPEED REINDEER FEED. A LITTLE RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE
CANDY. WHAT I’M SAYING IS HE HAS A REAL
PROBLEM. MEANWHILE, CHINA IS DEVELOPING
“MUTANT PIGS THAT COULD HELP SAVE THEM FROM A PORK
APOCALYPSE.” YES, THE PORK APOCALYPSE– OR,
AS IT’S KNOWN IN AMERICA: BREAKFAST. APPARENTLY, THESE MUTANT PIGS
“ARE FORTIFIED WITH A GENE FOR REGULATING HEAT, BUFFERING THEM
AGAINST HYPOTHERMIA-INDUCED WINTERS.” IN AMERICA, WE ALREADY SOLVED
THE PROBLEM OF KEEPING PIGS WARM. WE GIVE THEM BLANKETS. LOOK HOW TOAST I THEY ARE. I’LL SEE YOU AT CHRISTMAS. I’LL SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMAS
PARTY!( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AT THIS YEAR’S ART BASEL FESTIVAL IN MIAMI, A
BANANA WAS DUCT TAPED TO A WALL IN A PIECE ENTITLED “COMEDIAN,”
AND PRICED AT $120,000. THAT’S RIDICULOUS. AT WHOLE FOODS, THAT’LL GET YOU,
LIKE, THREE BANANAS.( LAUGHTER )
CRAZY. $120,000. IT’S JUST CRAZY! BUT THE PLOT THICKENED THIS
WEEKEND WHEN A PERFORMANCE ARTIST WALKED INTO THE GALLERY,
TOOK THE BANANA OFF THE WALL, PEELED IT, AND THEN ATE IT! IN A PIECE HE TITLED “HUNGRY
ARTIST”– A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HOW MODERN ART HAS BECOME JUST A
CRASS EXERCISE IN SELF-REFERENTIAL PROFITEERING. AND A GREAT SOURCE
OF POTASSIUM. MEANWHILE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
HISTORY “MUHAMMAD IS ONE OF AMERICA’S TOP TEN BABY NAMES,”
WHICH IS GREAT, BUT KEEP IN MIND THE LIST “COMBINES NAMES THAT
SOUND SIMILAR BUT HAVE ALTERNATE SPELLINGS, LIKE MUHAMMAD AND
MOHAMMED.” OKAY, THAT’S WHERE I DRAW THE
LINE! COMBINING THE SPELLINGS OF
DIFFERENT NAMES IS UNNATURAL. FOR INSTANCE, I’M A
“P.H. STEPHEN.” WE’RE GOOD PEOPLE. THOSE “V” STEVENS? HUMAN GARBAGE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ED HARRIS. I’M SORRY!

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