Lizzie: Okay, my dear darling sister Lydia has insisted on throwing her birthday party tonight and I’ll give her this, she doesn’t do things by halvsies. Her word. Stains in all colors, a small fire out back, that was luckily put out before it burned anything more than a small shrub, and someone keeps spiking volleyballs at the garden gnomes. What did a harmless garden gnome ever do to them? I ask you. I needed a break, so I came in here, into my sanctuary. [glass shatters]
Lydia (off-screen): Whoopsie! It’s okay, it’s my birthday! Lizzie: My name is Lizzie Bennet and this– NOT THE BATHROOM. “Party Time”
Written by Kate Rorick Lizzie: I could call my parents, but having them rush home from Uncle Phil’s will only result in a lot of yelling, and chances are Lydia would already be passed out for it. Better to wait until tomorrow, so they can witness the carnage and Lydia will be sober and hungover. Besides, my baby sister only turns 21 once. She should have some fun, right? Lydia (off-screen): Dance boys! Dance for the birthday girl. Lizzie: Although her definition of fun differs from mine. While I prefer peace and quiet and maybe a good book, Lydia needs to be surrounded by large crowds at all times. There are so many people out there and I don’t think I know any of them. And I have lived in this town my entire life. I think I need more friends. Not the bathroom! Mary: Oh my god, hide me. Lizzie: Mary! I totally forgot you were here. Internet, cousin Mary. Cousin Mary, internet. Mary: Yeah, we’ve met. Lizzie: Of course. I didn’t mean to hijack you into my videos the way Lydia does. Mary: No, it’s okay. I’d rather be hijacked by you right now than her. Lizzie: Don’t worry, once we get some cake into her, she’ll crash. Oddly for her, the sugar counteracts the alcohol and causes a blissful coma. Blissful for the rest of us. Mary: Okay, but do you know how many people are out there? Aren’t you getting worried that this thing’s getting out of control? Lizzie: Well, I’ve got 911 and an emergency cleanup crew on speed dial if necessary, and I can always impersonate my mother and scare off anyone who refuses to leave. Have you lived up to your name yet and found a sensible young man to marry? Mary: That was scary, please stop. Lizzie: I know. At least I already took care of the worst would-be party crasher. Mary: Was it that Darcy guy you always talk about? Lizzie: No. George Wickham. Mary: Oh! Yeah. He was kind of a douche. Lizzie: Douche is…an adequate term. Lydia (off-screen): No, no! Stop it! Only boys can enter the wet t-shirt contest. Mary: So! George isn’t coming? This kinda feels like his scene. Lizzie: No, he most certainly is not. I made sure of that. Mary: How? Lizzie: Would you like to help me with something? Mary: As long as it’s in this room. Lizzie: Hey, Lizzie. Mary: George, what are you doing here? Lizzie: Shopping for groceries, as you do. It is so awesome to see you, Peach. Mary: Oh my god, seriously? He went in for a hug? Lizzie: It was more like a grope-hug. A grug. Mary: Doesn’t he watch your videos? Lizzie: Apparently not since we stopped seeing each other, but read your next line. There’s a format to these things. Mary: Sorry. I thought you were leaving town? Again. Lizzie: I am soon, but I wouldn’t wanna miss the chance to see you. You were doing that, uh, intern thing, right? Learn anything? Mary: Actually, I learned a lot! There were some interesting people there too, like Darcy. Lizzie: Darcy. Just the mention of his name reminds me of how he hypothetically ruined my life. Mary: Perhaps, but he has some virtues. Lizzie: Virtues? Now you think Darcy has virtues? Mary: Do you think Darcy has virtues? Because it’s like, I don’t care, but I think it would be really interesting if you changed your mind about him that much– Lizzie: Mary, read. Mary: Sorry, right. Actually, Darcy’s not so bad. He has some more virtues than some I could mention. Lizzie: Well, sounds like I have some catching up to do. But you can get me all caught up tonight at your sister’s party. Mary: You’re not invited! Lizzie: Well no, but I know some of the volleyball guys– Mary: NO! YOU’RE NOT INVITED! YOU CAN’T COME TONIGHT! You said I interrupt you there, that was pretty good, right? Lizzie: That…that was great! Great job, Mary! Mary: Was that how it actually happened? ‘Cause you were kind of harsh. Lizzie: I wasn’t that harsh, but hopefully that is the last we will ever see of George Wickham. Lydia (off-screen): It’s candle time, bitches! Lizzie: Alright, now we really have to get out there. Mary: I suppose. Are you sure cake will help? Lizzie: Trust me, cake solves everything! Lydia (off-screen): Oh my god, fire! Lizzie! Fire extinguisher! Lizzie!