Would you please not walk so far in front of me? I’m not your concubine. Sorry. What, are you ashamed of me? A little bit. Oh, boy… Charlie, we need to talk. For the last time, you look stunning. No, we need to get our stories straight. What stories? We’re supposed to be a coupe. How long have we been together? How did we meet? Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy. I’m serious. If we’re gonna pull this off, we need to be convincing. Do we have a favorite song? Cute names for each other? I mean, I don’t even know if we’re dog people or cat people. Oh, I forgot to tell you – the guy I bought you from in Thailand had your vocal chords removed. Charlie! I’m so glad you could make it! Oh, please, how could I not? And you must be Alan. Welcome. I’m the husband. No he’s not. Stop saying that. Listen to you two ladies. Come on, I’ll get you a drink. Ooh, Appletinis! So, how did you lovebirds meet? Ehm… Eh… Funny you should ask. Eh, we were at the Coffee Bean. You know, the one in Larchmont Village, where the pastries are to die for. Anyway, we both ordered a soy latte. And when the first one came up, we both reached for it… and our hands touched. Oh, that is so romantic! Yeah, it was one of those moments that seem to go on forever. Like this one. Are you starting? No! Because I swear to God, I will walk out that door and get in a cab. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, what? I’m sorry… Pookie. Finish your story, Alan. Well, okay. So there we are, our hands are touching… And… we look into each other’s eyes… And this one panics and spills coffee all over one of his hideous bowling shirts. The only gay man in America who dresses like Ralph Kramden. To the moon, Alan! So I took him back to my condo to “hand wash his shirt”. And abracadabra, hocus-pocus, here we are. That’s a delicious story. Yeah, isn’t it yummy? Yeah. It… kills me… every… time. There’s someone you just have to meet, now don’t go away! Okey-dokey, artichokey! Okay, you’ve gotta pull back a little. You’re going to set off the smoke alarm. What do you mean? I mean, if you flame any more you’re going to light the drapes on fire. Me? What about you?! “Okey-dokey, artichokey”? What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant? I want you both to meet someone very special to me. Charlie… Alan… This is my very patient and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela. Nice to meet you.
– Nice to meet you. Hi. Wow, you were married? It was before I’d gotten a grip on my sexuality. But not before you got a grip on my cousin Walt. Well, I can see why you gave marriage a shot. Pamela, you are a breathtakingly beautiful woman. Why, thank you, Charlie. Why do all the cute ones have to be married or gay? Back off, sister. I caught this fish.